Monday, 20 October 2014

a real and genuine apology for neglect with picture commentary

i am feeling very drained right now. I arrived at university two weeks ago and so far the experience has been one of emotional and work related stress. not all bad, but all very extreme, unlike the relaxing monotony of the summer holidays. i have not had time for so many things i love (watching tv, blogging, staring into space, working on my now-a-bit-dead zine which i promise i will revive at some point) because i am now a Practical and Responsible Adult who doesn't spend  all day lying in bed thinking about death and eating cereal. my own thoughts mostly consist of panic and excitement about twin peaks returning so here are some pretty pictures which have been making me think nice things.


*strokes screen* 'look at the pretty'

at university there are so many buildings which look like something from a david lynch film. especially the library, which is an old grand building with a very modern extension tacked onto it. its always silent, and people just seem to appear from nowhere. i got lost in there late at night and had to ring my sister because i was scared i was going to be trapped in some sort of black lodge-esque scenario for ever and ever.

something which has been occurring to me a lot (i swear I'm not fixated on death, honest!1!), especially since i am around new people. i think i managed to suss out how everyone at school would feel, so now I'm thinking about how it would impact people here, who don't know me very well. i find its a very good way to figure out how you feel about people. 

still trying to figure out how i feel about rats. i dislike the idea of them infesting where i live but also if you have pet ones you can teach them tricks, which would be pretty funky.

I'm going through a bit of a cartoon obsession at the moment. I've always wanted to get into creating cartoons because i have a lot of small thoughts which would suit the format but I've never figured out how i could do it.

Tuesday, 23 September 2014

life is beautiful. really, it is. full of beauty and illusions. life is great. without it, you'd be dead.

everything feels like its gearing up to move on. which is a shock because after weeks and weeks of staying inside and finding excuses not to meet up with people, it is dawning on me that i will be moving out in a month. I received several booklets of information from my university about my living arrangements and all the stuff happening in freshers week. Maybe I'm weird but the sight of an actual timetable of activities i have to participate in with people i have not yet met made my stomach drop about a foot. I think i will be excited soon, once I've got over the initial 'oh god this is really happening this isn't a dream this is the beginning of my life for the next 3 years help'. 

Also in my new room I am not allowed fairy lights, or to attach anything to the walls, or a pet or to bring my own furniture. how am i going to decorate then? my imagination? invisible ink drawings? life-size cardboard cutouts of celebrities? small plaster statues? maybe i will have to take up pottery.

I need to adjust. I spent this summer taking every single anxiety test i could find (as it turns out, there are quite a few) to try and give myself a solid reason why I have spent this summer getting paler and paler and retreating more and more. I almost relished in the fact that i have not been swimming all summer, or contacted my school friends but then i realised actually I've been quite lonely, and this absolutely isn't fun. I like time alone, but theres a difference between being alone and loneliness. 

lying in my room by myself helps me recharge, but if i spend too long without a meaningful interaction with a human being, i feel isolated, and weird, and a vicious circle ensues where i feel lonely and so withdraw further, feel lonelier, withdraw further and so on. I need to stop, take a break, convince myself everything is going to be fine unless i carry on in this vein and then yes, everything might be a bit sad forever duh.

cool-goth vampire look which i created shortly after watching only lovers left alive. involves mostly black eyeliner and all the dark clothes i could find, including a broken behemoth t shirt which was my brothers and some very constricting black jeans. also several claw grips to try and make my hair look like i'd been gently electrocuted, which worked for roughly 5 minutes before my hair gave up and went flat.

***i don't write any of my posts because i am an absolute lazy worm in one sitting so this marks the few weeks in which this post just floated around in my drafts + i dyed my hair pink***

everything is quite literally rose tinted now. if i look through my hair, everything is a sweet smelling pink haze. turns out changing your hair colour does wonders for your self esteem

i recently watched gummo hence the title of this post. its one of those films which doesn't really have a plot, or seemingly any point. for me, thats why the 'life is beautiful' quote is so important to the film, and why it wouldn't really make any sense without it, because i think it is essentially just a film about the beauty of everyday lives, no matter how run down.

chloe sevigny is wonderful and that tiger leotard is something i really need 

anyway I've tried taking more photos of stuff

lonely flower growing in pavement crack

grey v.s. burning skies

railway station stairs in the evening

tired queueing legs - h&m tights, asos skirt, topshop socks and thrifted boots

also in other news i travelled to london to queue for the meadham kirchhoff ss15 open casting. i didn't get it obviously (i would be bouncing off the walls crying if i did) but i got to see the inside of their offices and walk in a circuit in front of edward meadham (although i am ashamed to say i didn't realise it was him at the time). anyway it was also nice because i did a thing i wouldn't normally do and nothing disastrous happened and everything felt kind of natural you know? I managed to negotiate an unfamiliar situation without completely freaking which i feel is an achievement in itself.

i really really love this song at the moment. its my soundtrack to walking around town and dodging round crowds of slow walking people (there should be some kind of fine for that i swear). like a lot of people i was worried when jamie t disappeared for 5 years (WHERE WERE YOU MAN) but look! he's back! with a video where someone uses a severed arm as a drumstick! i can rest easy.

in other 'things that made me happy news', i bought a full length fake fur coat. you know, the kind that would be appropriate if you were an elderly aristocrat or a polar explorer, and not a teenage girl in a moderately warm climate. still, I'm finding any excuse to wear  it around the house and feel regal.

its so huge i can't fit in all in one photo i love it. i feel like a furry mountain.
and yes i realise it looks like i haven't moved for all of the pictures in this post. i promise i have it just so happens my webcam is the best camera i own oops
more music i've been listening to a lot of recently

aLSO LAST THING I PROMISE but tavi did an AMA on reddit which i somehow managed to miss but her answers confirm my suspicions that she is an actual goddess. i have screenshots of some of them on my computer desktop for when I'm feelin' down.

Monday, 15 September 2014


so in my last post i mentioned possibly creating a zine and you were all so nice and positive and i can now reveal *drum roll* that Mind Porridge (because thats what i decided to call it no h8 ok) is now calling for submissions on the tumblr page, where there is an outline of the first theme ('existence') and an email address for submissions to be sent to ( haven't decided on a deadline for submissions or an eventual format because a) i am a lazy worm and b) i am unsure how many submissions there will be. HOWEVER if any of you are good at making webpages/ have any ideas on format or just wanna help out, with your ideas/by sharing the page then please do. all help and creations are welcome. <3

Saturday, 16 August 2014

creation appreciation + an announcement

i love art. and not just arty-art-art, paintings'n'sculptures kind of art, i love books, films, tv shows, photographs, websites, articles, things which i tend to call creations, because actually art is just too narrow a term. i like looking at them, i like reading what people have written about them and i like connecting with people over them.

in fact, there is only one problem i have with these art/creation. i can't do it. i can't write or make up stories, my photography skills are null and void and drawing makes my head hurt. the idea of forming the vague, floating ideas i have in my head into anything physical/visible is one which sends me into panic mode, and i have endless admiration for those people who can sit down, in front of a blank canvas/word document/lump of clay, and just create.

of course, i realise that being artistic isn't plain sailing even for the most brilliant of minds. it takes practice, persistence, tears, giving up and starting over and often endless frustration. which is why i fall at the first hurdle when trying to create things: i am lazy. i have exciting ideas, but the minute i reach any kind of stumbling block (which could be anything from losing my gluestick to simply exhausting the possibilities of said idea), i give up. my wonderful idea now seems boring, irritating and useless, and i go back to appreciating what other people do.

a few months ago, i had a minor epiphany. i was sat, with my collection of fineliners trying desperately to draw something interesting. after about half an hour of drawing rough shapes and not settling on anything and feeling useless about it, i suddenly thought, but what on earth is wrong with not being able to create anything? why do i torture myself over trying to do something which i have much more fun watching other people do? 

it was at that point that i coined the term 'serial appreciator' to describe myself, and actually anyone else like me who prefers to just surround themselves with beautiful things other people have made, rather than create themselves.

serial appreciators exist in many different forms. they are art collectors, editors of magazines, hoarders and zoo managers. serial appreciators love nothing more than looking at new things, even if they don't form an opinion of them, just to have experienced it. they collect and stash things, obsessively, either physically in the form of objects they hold dear, or mentally as opinions on things they are interested in. we like filing cabinets, tumblr, pretty picture frames. in short, we enjoy organising, editing and publicising the beautiful things other people make. 

for a long time, i had loads of pages bookmarked which were calling for submissions for various different webzines. however i realised i was never ever going to make anything for any of them, because i can't. 

so now I'm thinking, what if instead of failing to submit stuff, i could take advantage of my over-enthusiastic ability to collect/manage stuff and create my own site for other people to submit stuff to? maybe. i don't know if anyone would submit, or if i could create some kind of space which would be unique in what kind of thing people could submit. a zine for chronically shy people to express their deeper feelings in the form of art? something feminism based? a creative space for rabbit enthusiasts? 

i don't know. the entire plan is still horribly vague in my mind, but if anyone would be interested in submitting something to a zine/website i ran, helping me run it, or even if you're looking for someone to help run/edit a publication, please feel free to contact me via email/commenting/carrier pigeon.

Sunday, 10 August 2014

the golden age is over

notice anything? uh yeah i made another blog header because i realised i hated how my blog looked. i made this blog more than a year ago now and i have realised i actually don't like a lot of it. looking back at some of my oldest posts i wonder how i was ever like that. i'm trying to come up with a new url (i feel like 'whimsical procrastination' is a bit forced-quirky-cringey hm) but so far i only have a few very vague ideas, most of which i typed into my phone late at night and i have no idea what i was thinking now.

normal life has kind of been on hiatus recently because i moved house. I'm still not quite settled and i still forget where we keep the cereal here which is really troubling. i haven't really taken advantage of the fact that i can now walk into town because it is too hot still (its only like 23 degrees but I'm really bad with heat okay). i still feel like I'm on holiday, but hopefully it'll hit me that i actually live here at some point in the near future.

i took these pictures on a sunny car journey and thought they looked pretty. i was listening to this song at the time and the whole effect was very nostalgic and dreamy.

it was my birthday recently. i went shopping in camden with my family which was lovely (and i met maisie williams in urban outfitters wHATTTTT). i don't really like birthdays though. i don't enjoy special celebrations as much as i like the relaxing rhythms of everyday life and staying at home, and then i feel bad that someone has made an effort to make my day enjoyable and special and all i feel is tired and anxious. but still. i am finally legally an adult which feels more like a weight lifted from my shoulders rather than an exciting milestone. i can (technically at least) do a lot of new things (buy alcohol! move out! get married!) which is both exciting and terrifying, the way most of adulthood seems to me at the moment. i don't feel like growing up really.

i have always wanted to be arty but unfortunately i am terrible at physically drawing most things. apart from flowers, it turns out they're quite nice to draw. when you get the basic outline down you can go wild with clashing colours and they still look fun. for the full quintessential victorian lady pastime feel, listen to classical piano as you draw.

photos from the zoo trip i went on with a friend. it was so crowded and hot and full of small screaming children which normally makes me panicked but on this occasion nothing was gonna stop me from gawping at strange animals and making a mental inventory of all the ones i want if i ever have a big enough house.

asa a part of my 'become-an-interesting-person-by-watching-interesting-films' initiative i spent an afternoon watching pink flamingos with my curtains shut. its one of those films which you could see as being some sort of statement about the decaying morality of society (which john waters almost definitely did not intend it to be) or just a film about people trying to be more flamboyantly awful than each other. its interesting watching a film which doesn't care about showing that good morals always prevail etc. like some kind of weird circus, letting yourself be more and more shocked by watching people do more and more atrocious things. but being shocked is fun. we like watching other people push and break boundaries, because we want to see how far you can go with these things without doing them ourselves. and all while they're wearing outrageous and incredible costumes!!(see: the marbles' fluorescent dyed hair and divine's dress in the courtroom scene) 

i feel like these posts should finish with some kind of definite ending, not just me running out of energy/ideas. maybe a moral? possibly. well kids the moral of this post is i blog best late at night. also fudge ice cream is out of this world. au revoir.

Wednesday, 30 July 2014

late night thoughts from my sister's bedroom window

- i can still remember when i used to be afraid of my own feelings. that if i was still for too long they would catch up with me and hurt me

- the evenings are the only thing i like about summer. i like being able to sit outside at night and watch the sky change colour

- some bats just flew overhead. its too dark to see much but they moved too quickly to be birds

- maybe i should describe what i see, like in school when they used to set us tasks like 'describe something you know very well'. i am resting my feet on the roof, below which is our hedge. then there's a field beyond that, with the warehouse to the left and the lights from the airfield right on the horizon

- if i lean out the window far enough, i feel like i'm hovering above the field

- how did my sister ever convince me to let her have the better room? I wonder if she appreciates the view as much as i do.

- i feel weird just sat here, my thoughts drifting peacefully. i can't remember the last time i did this. mostly i am distracting myself with something, whether its other people, my phone or books

- i spend too much time being something else for other people. i've built too many layers over who i really am, and i feel lost without someone present to direct my thoughts. because its not just my words and actions which other people influence, but my mind assimilates to its surroundings too.

- i need to argue with someone. not because i want to or have any reason to, but because i need to do something utterly abrasive and selfish just to be myself

- where did this fear of being selfish come from? because everyone else is selfish. you learn that when you try being utterly selfless

- i am listening to lana del rey on repeat at the moment. her music is so bittersweet and nostalgic, but also dark and dangerous. i love the bit in the 'ride' video where she talks about having a 'chameleon soul' because that's how i feel right now. lonely and kind of shapeless

- i feel shut off from other people, especially my friends. like an invisible barrier has come down, and their happiness and enjoyment seems distant and weird. as if when i left school, that was kind of it, and i lost most of the sense of connection i had to them and now we have very little to keep us together

- can you get fireflies in england? i might have to look that up

- i am constantly caught between wanting to be alone and craving attention

- i miss the bats. they were pretty

- i wish  was a character in a film. with a storyline and obstacles and purpose and real, beautiful, soaring emotions. surrounded by captivating people.

- i hope i remember how beautiful this view is. the huge dark field with the landing lights on the horizon. as much as i hate the countryside, i love how it looks at night

- i feel like i should be waiting for something here, or keeping watch. i want to be expecting something. i want to believe that if i  stay here long enough i will witness something extraordinary, or supernatural which will change my life

- i have absolutely no idea what's going to happen to me in the next few months